MARCH 21, 1997 GAY PEOPLE's ChrONICLE

BIG TIPS

Late at night, martyrs guard the bathroom door

by M.T. "the Big Tipper” Martone

I was massaging gunk down my kitchen drain this morning, part of my bi-daily ritual of washing dishes, when I suddenly realized that I had never really learned about apartment living when I was growing up, since my parents owned our house. There's an entire body of rental survival lore that gets reinvented each time a former house-dweller joins the ranks of those who stuff their money into someone else's pocket each month.

Mom and Dad never taught me the satisfaction of painting right over chipped and dirty window sills, or grinding a little brown crayon into a scratched floor and buffing it to adeceptively unflawed shine. This may sound shameful, so I must protest that I've always left my apartments in far better shape than I've found them, thanks to an extensive collection of tools and a fussy impatience with ugliness.

when you combine homes, but if you can afford an extra room, I heartily recommend setting aside one of them, or even just one specific area, for all of the statues and candles to live in. Preferably with a door. You can sell it to your honey as a way of really condensing their attraction, and you can just avoid that part of the house at night, or look the other way.

In case you have deeper spiritual concerns, I don't believe you can technically go to hell for mere proximity to someone else's collection, although using the statues in sex play is sort of a gray area. Good luck and good night.

Dear Big Tipper,

My girlfriend and I have been together eight months. We have a good relationship until it comes to sexual intimacy. We have great sex in the "traditional" lesbian way, in

That said, I still enjoy the wicked pleasure fact she says she's never had an orgasm

of shoving a cup or two of sodden Shredded Wheat down my drain every day.

Dear Big Tipper,

Eleven months ago I went dancing, with no expectations out of the ordinary. Little did I know that the man I met that night would turn out to be someone I am absolutely mad for. He's an artist and an activist, and I love and admire him, and I believe he feels these ways about me too. We are thinking of moving in together in a few months-maybe summer or fall.

Here's the problem. He has very good taste, and his home has really beautiful vintage furniture, but he has a huge collection of religious statuary and candles, which are all around his apartment. Some of the pieces are. quite valuable and beautiful, and they certainly have their camp aspects, but, I'm émbarrassed to say, they scare me.

Not that it scares me that he collects them, I understand that he finds them interesting. I mean they scare me, like when I get up to use the bathroom at night and have to walk past them. Some of them are taller than I am, and he leaves the candles burning, and I turn back into an eight-year-old who's afraid of the dark.

I find this humiliating, so I haven't said anything to him, but the thought of having these things all over my home in the near future makes me realize that I need to deal with this somehow. I feel like an idiot. Do you have an ideas on how to deal with my silliness?

Dear Ex-Catholic Guilt,

Former Altar Boy

Boy, you could really develop a bladder problem if you have to hold it all night for the rest of your life. I remember going to pee at night when I was a kid: On the way to the bathroom I was safe, because I was heading towards a light, but going back to my pitch black bedroom I usually ran like the hounds of hell where at my heels.

Most people get over that by adulthood, but throw in something that resembles the creepiest scene in a vampire movie (without Susan Sarandon), and a liberal frosting of formative Catholic scare-tactic education, and you've got a pretty good reason to cross yourself, and your legs, at night.

I don't know how well off you two will be

before me. She has been with her ex-husband and one other girl in her life.

I would like to try new things with her like a vibrator or strap-on. She has already said she's not into this stuff or she'd be with a guy. Neither one of us knows how to masturbate, either-believe me, I've tried. She doesn't even like videos of lesbians! I practically have to beg if I'm in the mood, it's like pulling teeth! What do I do?

Dear Wanna Poke Her,

Sexually Frustrated

The ol' "I'll smooch on you, kiss your titties, then go down on you, then you do the same to me," while comforting and easy to choreograph, can get old for some folks, especially if they have something else speve something else of offically in mind.

Girlfriend might be feeling like she needs to guard her love shack from your kinky lesbian ways right now, so work on your own stuff for the moment. The first thing you might want to work on is the masturbation situation. Go buy yourself a dirty magazine or smutty book (they could be lesbian, but lots of dykes like gay male or straight porn; there's nothing wacky about that at all) to sharpen up the old fantasies, then go buy yourself a battery-powered vibrator.

They're pretty inexpensive, although you get what you pay for, unfortunately. Many women who have never been able to reach orgasm find a vibrator has the extra oomph that does it. Also, see if you can find a copy of For Yourself, which is a great book about masturbation for women. Once you've had a chance to mess around with the vibrator yourself, girlfriend may be curious about what's working for you.

Your sweetie has a different sexual history than you do, and some activities may be more loaded for her, but as the exalted Susie Bright would say, penetration is no more heterosexual than kissing. Start small: fingers or hands, then household or garden items. They may be less off-putting than a dildo. Also, at the very least, start using lube: It makes masturbation and penetration a bazillion times slicker and sexier.

Send your burning questions on life and love to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216-631-1052, or e-mail to ChronOhio @aol.com.

KIM SHANNON REALTOR

8396 Mentor Avenue Mentor, Ohio 44060-5748

Office: 216 951 2123, Ext. 296

Realty Direct Voice Mail: 216 974 7296

One

Fax: 216 255 4290

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